*Today’s post is a sequel of last weeks post. Incase you didn’t read it, check it out here*
I didn’t know much about eating disorders. I don’t even know how the idea of googling ‘eating disorder’ came to mind. I just knew I had a food problem and I needed help to overcome it.
I did a few online tests and most concluded that I was at a high risk of suffering from bulimia.
Bulimia is a potentially life-threatening eating disorder.People with this condition binge eat. They then take steps to avoid weight gain. Most commonly, this means vomiting (purging). But it can also mean excessive exercising or fasting.
It was scary to read all that.Tears rolled down my face. How did I even get here? But a part of me was a biy happy too, because at least I had an idea of what I was suffering from.
I knew that I had to get the remedies and go back to normal.
Fortunately, I came across this blogger who is a ‘food coach'( yeah, something like that exists!).She had also suffered from a bad relationship with food and her posts were so relatable and gave me hope that I could also heal. It was as if she was telling my story. It felt as if I could open up to her, and not a friend or family.
Anytime I’d hear a knock on the door, I’d quickly wipe away my tears and act like everything was okay.
With time, I had subscribed to several blogs by food coaches so that I could milk them dry through posts, free ebooks and courses since I couldn’t afford the courses they offered for full recovery.
No magic happened immediately. I was still scared about eating certain foods. I still felt guilty if I didn’t workout. I still tried to make some fried bland carrots and courgettes as part of my breakfast just so I didn’t miss out on my daily portion of vegetables.I still hadn’t figured out the concept of self love that the food coaches prescribed as the first (and best) step to healing. I still felt trapped.
I Can’t do this anymore!
One morning, early 2017, I was in bed thinking about what I was going to have for breakfast. I craved some hot white coffee and crispy mandazi. I hadn’t had that in a long time. It would be perfect.
However, my mind wouldn’t allow that, with all kinds of guilt tripping . You’ll slowly gain weight and all the work you put in shall go to waste. People will start making fun of you and your weak heart can’t handle it.Your self esteem shall be so low. Can you handle that? I hated this. I hated what my life had become. Yaani, I had started learning about recovery and healing, but still battling with these kind of thoughts?! My new year goal was to be genuinely happy and be confident from the inside out. But here I was , unable to make a decision about simply what I’d have for breakfast. I cried out to God and refused to get out of bed until all this misery(in my mind) was gone. I wanted to get up a different being. A free being. Not one who’s controlled by food or how I looked.
I cried and prayed. The raw kind of prayer not really spiced up with bible verses. I was a frustrated human being and simply told God how I felt. Then I heard a voice whisper that I should go and eat whatever I wanted.
When it’s about food, my feet are so fast!It doesn’t matter how far the shop is . I’ll get there in minutes if not seconds and get whatever I want.
So I bought my mandazi and made my white coffee. I enjoyed every bit of it and shut my mind, if only for just a few minutes, and savored my breakfast. Of course my fears weren’t totally gone but they were manageable.
I went on to watch a few videos by some food coaches sharing their journey and it was so comforting because I realized I wasn’t alone. And at least, I wasn’t crazy!
I started to learn about self love, journalling and doing things that I loved, other than food. Each day was a new opportunity to learn about myself and the things I liked. I was more self aware and I was slowly putting together the broken pieces of my self esteem, confidence and generally happiness. A friend introduced me to books and till date I’m hooked!
Through journalling about how I felt about a given food or generally how I felt, I discovered I could write such beautiful pieces to encourage and inspire. Initially, I wrote to inspire myself but later on, I thought somebody else needed to be inspired and voilà! the seeds of this blog were planted.
In all things God works for good with those who love Him those whom He has called according to His purpose.Romans 8:28
In my quest to do the things I loved, I got more invested in cooking and I’ve never looked back. It’s another great passion of mine.
Working out was still scary for me at the start. I didn’t want to become obsessed about them or my size again. But then I discovered better methods such ad dance work outs and yoga. This made it fun and easy.
Rekindling my relationship with God
As much as I learnt much and partly healed through the help of the food coaches, I didn’t feel like I was ‘there’ yet. Sometimes my will power would wear out.Other times, some things the food coaches suggested didn’t sound right because they weren’t Christian (some believe in the moon and all that stuff. So I’d recommend this one .). I needed something greater.More powerful than my will power.
Also, everything would seem perfect when things were going my way, but any time something small stressed me or the bad emotions streamed in, I would binge eat just because, now I could eat whatever I wanted to. I would loose all my self control and couldn’t quite face my emotions. I’d feel so bad because I would go back to my old habits instead of moving forward.A little part of me was still trapped and I wanted to be totally free.
At the time, I wasn’t really intentional about my relationship with God. Yes , I would run to Him when things got of out hand but we didn’t really have a relationship. My faith was shaky. Prayer wasn’t something I engaged in often and felt little conviction about it. I felt like the church was so much focused on ‘spreading the gospel’ than dealing with real life issues. I was really naïve about matters of faith at that time. But then, as I was having a candid conversation with my cousin, she told me how she had gotten over certain habits through prayer.
I felt the passion in her voice and her love for God and I wanted nothing less than that. I had always wanted to be very close in my relationship with God but I just didn’t know how. I wanted to know His Word and love Him. I disagreed with something s in the in His Word. But I still chose to dust off my Bible and formed a daily habit of reading it.I saw the love behind His commands.
Check out this post on growing my relationship with God.
Galatians 5:13 spoke volumes to me
As for you my brothers and sisters you were called to be free. But do not let this freedom become an excise for letting your physic all desires control you.
It opened my eyes to the several things that had power over me: food being one of them. I knew it was time I took back my power and made God the center of my life. This was my weak point but He’s the strongest. I knew nothing was impossible to Him. I began to hear Him speak to me even about the smallest details like my food choices. I learnt to face my emotions head on and place it at His feet. I didn’t have to handle it all by myself. Jesus died to set me free. I’m no longer a slave.
Hey friend, thank you for taking your time to read my story on healing. Next Thursday, a share the last part of this series ‘disordered eating’. I share my nuggets from this whole experience and taking care of my mental and physical health. See you on Monday for some inspiration!